[Two Pronged] I’m single and wifeless because my penis is too large

Rappler’s People section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I am male, 37 years old, with a good job, also single and with a good character. I have been looking for a wife for the last 5 years. I do not expect a beauty queen. I just want her to marry me and not complain about our sex lives.

I have stamina when it comes to sex. I can last 20 minutes. But I can make this shorter if my wife wants it shorter.

The reason I don’t have a possible wife yet is my penis. It is too large, and sex can be painful.

With my previous girlfriends we do positions a gynecologist taught us but it did not work. Also, it was hard for me to keep on with the shallow sex positions, and it still hurt my girlfriend. She broke up with me after 8 months. It was because she did not want sex to always hurt.

Another girlfriend said we could have sex play, but not sexual intercourse. She said just by holding my penis in her hand she knows it would hurt, so we never had real sex. She was willing to marry me, but I refused. That was 5 years ago.

Since I broke up with her, I have a hard time finding girlfriends willing to have sex with me. Should I look for my past girlfriend and settle for sex play but no intercourse for the rest of my life?

– Carlo

Dear Carlo,

You describe your requirements as wanting a wife who won’t “complain about sex” and suggest that the size of your penis is all that stands between you and achieving your goal. However, I would posit that there are some other issues at play here as well.

First, a woman experiencing pain during intercourse isn’t complaining — she’s sending you a clear message. Reframing this as a shared problem to solve together, rather than an obstacle you expect your partner just to tolerate, might well change everything, including how you approach dating.

To be fair, you have taken some steps to address the pain factor.

However, if the advice of a gynecologist and trying different sexual positions have not proven helpful, perhaps you should consider further medical advice and/or pelvic floor physical therapy. The latter deals inter alia with sexual dysfunctions such as painful intercourse (dyspareunia) and it may resolve the problem for you.

Regarding your former girlfriend, going back to someone for lack of alternatives rather than genuine love would be unfair to you both. She might of course no longer be interested and anyway she deserves a full partner, as do you.

Finally, give some thought to the fact that not only the penis but also the vagina come in different sizes. The objective size of one alone is therefore less important than whether the two together are a good fit.

The bad news is that there is no way to know without trying; the good news is that there is hope and a significant number of women declare a preference for a big penis. Wishing you the best of luck in your continuing search

– JAF Baer

Dear Carlo,

Thank you very much for your letter. I must admit to having a hard time answering this letter, The reason is that I can’t figure out what exactly what you mean when you say, in effect, “I just want (a wife) to… not complain about our sex lives.” Do you mean you want a wife who enjoys your sex lives together so that she doesn’t need to complain about it? OR Do you mean a wife who may be in pain or dissatisfied but still doesn’t complain about sex?

If it’s the latter, then please write us again, telling us more about yourself, ok?

This is because we will have to dig far deeper and unpack issues that have more to do than the difficulties caused by a large penis.

If, however, you mean the former — how can I make sex better for my wife despite my enormous penis —then life (for this columnist) becomes much easier.

But not just for me, but also for your wife (the lucky woman) because it means you are also looking out for her enjoyment and not just yours.

One of the most important things to consider is sex without penetration, which is a whole area of sexuality that few people think of, when there are problems of painful sex/fear of penetration caused not only by big penises but also by trauma, etc.

Non-penetrative sex is sometimes called outercourse, and is defined as a type of sexual activity that doesn’t involve putting a penis, sex toys, fingers, or anything else inside the vagina or the anus. For the purposes of this column, we shall limit ourselves to the activity that doesn’t involve the penis penetrating the vagina or anus.

This will not necessarily limit your future wife’s sexual pleasure, because biologically, the clitoris is considered the most sensitive part of a woman’s vulva. Being sensitive to all types of touch, the clitoris can produce the most intense and pleasurable sexual responses in your body.

As a primer, it would be good to read these two articles: “Women’s Experiences With Genital Touching, Sexual Pleasure, and Orgasm: Results From a US Probability Sample of Women Ages 18 to 94” from the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy and this dyspareunia explainer from the Journal of the Sexual Medicine Society of North America. They can be a little difficult to read as both are from scientific journals but it will be good if you start with the basics so anything else you read will be more easily understood.

Lest you think non-penetrative sex is boring, here are a few things you might consider:

Making out (that is, it’s ok to do “everything BUT” intercourse), mutual masturbation, dry humping, oral sex, non-penetrative sex toys (gels, rings, etc), phone sex, role play, erotic massages.

Something I’ve never tried before but could be interesting is “temperature play,” which is a form of sensory and BDSM play that involves experimenting with different temperatures – hot, cold, or BOTH!!
To explore cold play, use cold spoons, ice cubes, or iced dildos (put a glass or stainless steel dildo in the fridge for 20 minutes before play) on your partner’s body to stimulate their erogenous zones. For hot-temperature play, you may want to use massage oil candles or even low-temperature candles. A massage oil candle will offer a nice, warm experience, which can elevate a sensual massage. Once your partner’s body is covered with warm massage oil, you can even use the low-temp candle to drip some wax along their naked skin.

Carlo, you may say: “This is all very well for my future wife, but what about MY pleasure?!!?” You are right.

That is a very important factor to consider. However, since your major question had to do with how can I marry a woman who won’t complain about sex, we figured that was the first thing we should answer.

Please write us again, should you want answers regarding how a man can have penetration with a woman even if he is “well endowed.”

Looking forward to another letter

– MG Holmes

– Rappler.com